Posts tagged with "guilt"

Guilty Train of Thought

Ok, so I’ve been feeling guilt-stricken.

Guilty because I haven’t blogged for ages. Guilty because I have got totally wrapped up in work, to the exclusion of all else - and I mean ALL else. Guilty because I haven’t been aware of the wilderness, urban or rural, as I pass by. Guilty because it’s my husband who has been remembering to fill the birdfeeder the past few days, not me. Guilty because every time I sit down at my dining room table there’s George Monbiot screaming “Bring on the Apocalypse!” from his book cover. Which makes me feel guilty, because, because…

But…I kind of “woke up” today. And I woke up, because I was tired…

I was tired, so on a trip to Glasgow this morning on the train, instead of doing my usual and burying my head in all the papers I have to read, my folder remained closed, and I drifted off, staring out the window. And I’m so glad I did - it was just so beautiful. The amazing light (”dawn’s rosy fingers” as it is so fabulously described in Greek classics); the frost; the rolling, heavy mist; and the snow on the hills. It isn’t often I find beauty on a Scotrail commuter trip to Glasgow, but this time I did. And it was the natural beauty - this astonishing view flashing past - that touched me so much. It made me feel better and calmer. It made me feel.

That’s it - nothing more profound. One hour in one day (sorry - work guilt kicked in so I did work on the way back), but enough to reconnect me. Enough to wake me up. Enough.

Posted: December 3, 2008 | Author: Louise Macdonald | Comments: Add 

My Carrie Bradshaw Moment - Had to Happen Sometime…

Here it is - the post most of the folks who know me have probably been waiting for: How does a woman who spends her life in skyscraper designer heels and maintaining a fairly unhealthy manicure habit cope with challenging values around consumerism? Answer is…none too coherently.

This is likely to be a ramble again, but if you’re sticking with me people, you’ll know that’s nothing new - and at least it means it’s honest, not crafted right? I offer all this up as a “snapshot of consciousness” - an insight into where I am right now with this whole project. And this is a big dilemma for me-  it perhaps represents the first major challenge and the area where I feel the most discomfort, in all kinds of ways.

I subscribe to all the glossy mags - Vogue, Elle, Harpers - love ‘em. I adore the sheer drama and beauty of high fashion, especially haute couture. I think a lot of it can be breathtakingly beautiful - amazing, flamboyant, delightful demonstrations of creativity and craftsmanship. Equally, I know all the bad stuff about immersing yourself in that world and its values. I know it plays its part in feelings of “not good enough” if I’m not wearing the latest look, never mind the Size 0 and airbrush issues…

So yes, I consume in order to chase the parts of the dream I can - generally high-end, high-street adaptations and homages with the occasional high-octane designer purchase thrown in, usually as a reward to myself. And it does make me feel better. I walk taller. I’m happier when I look in the mirror. I can face the world with my chin up. Bring it on. It’s an absolute, intrinsic part of my identity.

So, of course, the discomfort from the project is manifold on many levels, ranging from the relatively shallow (why are outdoor clothes so bloomin’ unflattering????); to the more intense - I despise some of the hairshirt frugality of the eco-movement (it doesn’t feel very nurturing to me) and resent being made to feel guilty over my informed choices.

Loads of issues here to unpack - and I’m sure my fellow bloggers will have views! - but I suppose I’m trying to work out if going green has to mean abandoning luxuries and human desires that have been around since time began - the desire for beauty; fabulous clothes etc - surely they aren’t incompatible? Please tell me that reassessing my values in relation to sustainability doesn’t mean having to wear fleece and ugly shoes?

And of course the even bigger - and possibly more controversial - question is: is living a sustainable lifestyle harder if you’re female?

Carrie would be so proud of me…now, gotta run. Where are my Jimmy Choos?

Posted: November 4, 2008 | Author: Louise Macdonald | Comments: 9 

Guilty or not?

I have bloggers’ guilt.  Or have I just been avoiding blogging recently cos I’ve lost the trail…  Either way, I’m back on line cos I’ve had lots of brilliant conversations with you lot - and you’re still commenting on stuff, so I just need to get over it!

The last 2 weeks have been quite strange.  Is it just the unsettling changing of the seasons, or is the time gap increasing between Knoydart and I?  Whatever - but things are slipping, definitely.  Do the effects of the wilderness leave you if you don’t go back often enough?  This is something I hope isn’t true, because lots of conversations with folks have been about how we can bring a bit of the wilderness into our everyday lives, rather than going to the remotest parts of Scotland to find it.

But is this really possible? Moving into the DARK season after one of the coldest weeks ever, how can we still be inspired to go out and find it?

My boyfirend and I took a trip up to Aberdeenshire the other weekend for a night away - I suppose I was trying to regain a bit of that Knoydart feeling - and it was beautiful - especially the stretch from Braemar to Ballater (autumn is amazing up there).  But I kept on feeling guilty because we’d driven up there.  What we learn from nature is key to the future of the human race, but being in nature is detrimental to the future of the human race - vicious circle - no?

How can we enjoy and learn from the wilderness without feeling guilty?

The other thing I’ve been feeling guilty about it lack of action.  I feel in some ways the questions I’m asking are too big for my brain to cope with, which  has partly led to my recent frustration.  I’m having a massive sense of it, but trying to squeeze this in - new job, busy lives, etc. - how can you create action that matters?  And my organisation gave me the opportunity to do this - and I feel very responsible - but the links between health and nature are huge, so what can we do about it?

Had a brilliant conversation with a pal last week and he was quick to point out that this could come across as being a bunch of middle class folk going out and finding themselves in nature.  While I know this isn’t true (we’ve found ourselves already BTW), I think it’s important that it doesn’t come across in this way. Language is so important in whether people feel included or excluded.

Action and focus is what’s needed though - this will be at the forefront of my mind for the next trip away which is looming next week.  Surely they won’t make us do another solo day this time of year????  Better get some more thermals just in case.

Posted: November 1, 2008 | Author: Emma Little | Comments: Add