Louise Macdonald / Mutually exclusive resolutions?

It’s the first day of 2009, so I thought one of my resolutions should be to blog more often. So far, so good…

It’s strange - things have slowed down on the blogging front since Glen Tilt, for all of us, not just me. I came away from Perthshire with a long list of things I wanted to write about, and since then we have all been encouraged with ideas and questions, particularly in relation to the festive period: has NC made us think about Christmas and consumerism differently? What can we do to make it more sustainable? Etc, etc. But, it’s been hard - harder to write than I thought. So of course, the questions running through my head haven’t been those big ones, but instead trying to analyse the blogging block.

Aside from the fundamental worry that anything I have to say isn’t of the remotest interest to anyone outside of our small group, there is a sense of being stuck, but I just haven’t been able to articulate it. So, during this holiday period, I’ve tried really hard to focus, and think about what it means.

It finally struck me today, when I was talking about new year resolutions over lunch - the answer to the question “What are your hopes for 2009″ was that the one thing that I really want is to get “it” back, but I don’t know how.

“It” is the incredible sense of elation that I - we all - felt after Knoydart and Glen Tilt (the former especially). Impossible to put into words, but it was a sense of pieces clicking into place, a calmness mixed with euphoria. Since then, I’ve written about my wondering how to “bring that back” - how to bring the wilderness into my life more, and that is what is proving so incredibly hard. I’m beginning to think that doing so  - given the way in which my lifestyle and I are currently constructed so that they completely mitigate against me spending more time in the wild - is mutually exclusive. It’s been tough enough managing to find the time to go for a walk on the beach during this holiday, never mind when I’m working. Family, home, commitments, my own motivation - they all make it difficult. Then again, I say the same thing about going to the gym more..

But, encouragingly, some things have changed - there has been a fundamental shift. Previously, I think I did my recycling duties and environmental worrying more out of a sense of intellectualism rather than anything else. I was being told I had to worry about it, and that I was a good citizen if I did my bit, so I did. Now, I’m doing it because I WANT to, because it’s important, because it matters - it matters very much indeed.

And I do want to get out more. Put simply, when I do, I feel better. Just an hour on a beach in the late afternoon winter sunshine was enough to make me feel calmer amd more relaxed. So,  maybe that is enough. I’m unlikely to ever do the Knoydart thing again - though never say never - but maybe if I manage, even just once a month, a walk on the beach or a trip to a forest, that will keep the connection alive, as well as keep the passion to make sure I’m one of the ones who tread lightly burning every day.