Over the last couple of weeks I feel as though I have been wakening up from a deep sleep.

Everything feels lighter and easier - why is this?

Is it because it is Spring?  Perhaps my energy is being restored with the increase in sunlight and warmth.

Or is it because I’ve been through a long change process that’s forced me to think deeply and often left me in a state of confusion.  And I;m now starting to see the trees - and the wood? 

Maybe the blankets are coming off again - in a safe, freeing way.  I think what’s different is a sense of clarity and intent.

Spring is a time for starting afresh – new growth all around me is a constant reminder of the natural cycle – and hope for the year ahead.

Normally I’d feel the need to rush in to the countryside and consume the environment at this time of year.  But each day I get more excited as I watch the few trees I can see from my attic flat change ever so slightly each day as the green shoots fill the gaps between their branches.

So my energy for Natural Change has been refreshed too and I’m optimistic about exploring this approach in the field of health and wellbeing.  Intent in engaging others in this dialogue – and being open to the way ahead….

As I set out for my last ’solo’ on the last structured weekend of Natural Change, I notice how much my expectations have changed - not just of the project, but of myself.

It’s still dark and I decide I’m going to be easier on myself.  If I get cold, I’ll move on.  I’m not going to restrict myself to staying in one place - why do I need to?

I meet some sheep.  There’s loads of them and they look quite menacing in the dark.  I wonder if they decide they could take me on… but then one of them starts running and the whole herd thunder across the field in the opposite direction.

As I follow my gut instinct I find on a path crossing a reservoir.  I’m walking very slowly, letting my legs just carry me.  The reservoir is half covered in ice - looks so tempting - but I resist and drift towards the trees between the two hills.  I am drawn towards a fiery red glow from behind the trees as I move I scare a couple of deer and stop to watch their white tails bobbing up the hill.  It feels really magical.  Maybe it’s because I’m experiencing it on my own, or maybe it’s the feeling that comes with dawn - feeling like you’re seeing everything for the first time.

I climb high enough to catch a glimpse of Stirling and the hills and red sky beyond.  I decide to spend some time on top of the hill, watching the snow covered hills over towards the Trossachs turn pale pink and then bright red.  I feel so lucky to be able to see this.  From my spot I have a panoramic view, so I spend some time taking it all in before I’m too cold even in my plastic survival bag to hang around for long.

As I head down the hill again, paths just seem to appear before me and I stop from time to time to notice things around me. 

After a tea break, I head over to the hills that are bathed in sun for the rest of my solo and watch the wispy clouds and have a quick snooze.

It strikes me how different this experience is from my first solo.  I’m peaceful rather than angry, I’m easy on myself rather than disciplined and I’m happy appreciating the detail rather than looking for my perfect place.  I feel energised and refreshed.

But what next?  There’s lots of levels - personal; (I am starting to volunteer again and hope to bring what I’ve learned here with me) professional (I’m deciding what I can bring into my job at Health Scotland) and external (is there an opportunity to use this approach to change with the wider health improvement workforce?)

There’s so many opportunities and links appearing, maybe all I need to do is trust my instinct and follow the path that appears in front of me.  One thing I know is that this definitely isn’t the end.

What a lame attempt to try and catch up before our 3rd weekend.

The truth is, I’ve been wanting to blog quite a lot, but trying to structure what want to say isn’t easy.  And the longer I leave it the more I have to say and the more confusing it gets.

I’m not sure if I’ve changed.  I know I have been through some process of change, but have I just gone round in one big circle?  Or are the changes too subtle to notice? 

Had a great time with the weather today.  With all the chaos down south you can’t help but wonder if this is one of nature’s ways of making people listen.  Considering we’re all so obsessed with the weather you’d have thought that by now we would have figured out that we can’t control it.

I found letting go of that control really freeing today, (went skiing to Glenshee - I know not eco - but I did wonder why I was doing it for the first time???) and last weekend (hired a cottage on the east coast with a bunch of folk) when I have never been in a house so close to the sea that you can hear the constant crashing of the waves 24 hours a day. 

Today it was freezing!   The first 2 runs down the slope were so cold our faces were caked in ice!  But we persevered and it was worth it.  The best of Scottish skiing in lovely snow.  You don’t get snow like that often in the city.  I thought it was amazing that so many people had made the journey to be in the cold all day and yet they would probably do everything to avoid it in their day to day lives.  Is it something to do with our vain efforts to control nature?

What’s happening to me?!  I don’t want to shop any more. I used to shop for enjoyment and this Christmas was different.  I didn’t go into town once.  When I did go into a shop, rather than feel overwhelmed at all it had to offer, I felt overwhelmed at all the crap.  When I told my friends this they said “but Emma, you love shopping!”

That’s definitely one of things that has changed during this project .  But, if I don’t want more stuff then I don’t have more things, so I need a smaller house to keep them in, so I need less money, so I need to work less…?  This could be a good thing!  An added bonus has been that cos I didn’t spend my holidays endlessly trawling the sales for bargains, I’ve been able to spend my Christmas break properly slowing down and doing what I really want to do.  Going for walks, getting in back in touch with nature – and myself.

My favourite beach

I’m also noticing how much a creature of habit I’ve become.  Rather than tanking it up north to conquer hills in lots of far-flung places, all I want to do is go to my favourite beach again and again.  I notice something different every time – and it feels and looks different every time I go.

Some of it’s definitely rubbed off on my boyfriend – or maybe just wants to keep me happy.  He told me tonight he’s started switching off all the lights at work – something he didn’t even do in the flat before.

But I’ve also wrestled with feelings of anger, confusion and frustration because of my powerlessness to influence change.  It definitely gets me down sometimes.

The best way I can describe the contrast is the difference between driving (how many times have I driven somewhere but not remembered how I got there because my mind is full?) versus cycling (when I have to be present and mindful all the time otherwise I’ll get knocked over).

My scattered thoughts are starting to solidify now and it feels like the right time to be thinking about how the Natural Change approach could influence behaviour change in other areas.

I’ll have presence over presents any day please.

I’ve been stuck in my head.  I’ve been seeking (even moments of) clarity and ways to define the ‘problem’ but it’s just a big woolly mess and I’m getting myself tied up in knots over it.

I can’t help but try and think about solutions and where this is all heading.  I feel the need to make some difference, but every time I think of something to act on, it doesn’t seem nearly enough.  I’m feeling that we’re being offered such an opportunity it is overwhelming.

Lots of people I listen to are talking about their idea of what a utopia would look like, but what worries me is that the one thing that links all of these and us to each other is the one thing we are most scared of.  Connectedness and interdependency.  I Googled spirituality as it seemed to be coming up a lot. None of the definitions were the same.  Is this not a problem? Not a very useful word to use if it means so many different things to so many people.

But we do forget about connectedness when we are all trying to solve our own problems and issues.  Even within the health sector, we are all so focused on changing behaviour in different topic areas.  Perhaps we should be aiming at a different starting point to join them up – our own identity - and what it means to be human and part of nature?  If we are trying to reduce alcohol, smoking and other drugs use, then what will we fill the gap with?  More exercise - at risk of becoming obsessive?   More work – with the risk of becoming (if we aren’t already) workaholics and affecting our mental health?  With just doing more – because we can’t bear being with the ‘unhealthy’ thoughts that we’re thoughtfully distracted from by the media every day?

On the other side of the coin, this ‘unleashing’ I’m experiencing is not always beneficial to my own mental health.  Sometimes I feel very anxious, overwhelmed and frustrated.

But while I’ve been living inside my head, the little plant on the windowsill (almost the only evidence that nature still exists from my 5^th floor tenement in Leith) has been totally neglected by me.  It’s my boyfriend who has come to its rescue to nurture it and keep it alive.

When I went to take a picture of it for this blog, I noticed it was sitting right next to my world money bank. 

For me, the whole world is too overwhelming a starting point.  I’m going to make more effort to start from where I am.  But where is the balance between doing those small actions and not losing sight of the bigger picture that has the potential to join us all up???

Gavin found this great web site http://www.thenag.net/.  It’s really easy to use and makes making changes for the better easier.  Love it.

It was a crisp Autumn day, beautiful colours and the birds singing. As I cycled up the Innocent Railway path towards work I passed dog walkers and other cyclists we smiled and wished each other a good morning.  I was paying attention to all the life that was flourishing and jumping about around me.  Isn ‘t that amazing, considering 100 years ago, a steam train would have been rushing through, billowing out black smoke , with absolutely no chance of any life being able to thrive?

As I pedalled, I started to drift away, imagining what it could be like in the future.  What if, in the future, our roads became the life channels around our cities?  Since the infrastructure revolves around our small communities, people don’t have to travel so far within the cities.  They walk and cycle when they need to because commuting has almost become a thing of the past.  People work from home much more, only getting together at work for necessary meetings.  We don’t all need our own cars, because there are car pools on the outskirts of cities and high speed public transport services.

I felt so uplifted after this daydream, because although I know it’s probably too idealist, if more people contributed their ideas about what the future could be like, could we end up with a realistic plan?

I’m sure people travelling by rail 100 years ago along the Innocent Railway line wouldn’t have dreamt of what it would become.  Do you think people will be saying the same 100 years in the future about our environment today?

If you know me you know that I love people and talking lots.  But during this experience I’ve quietened down.  And I don’t like it. 

The people I’m sharing this with are amazing.  I mean, like REALLY amazing – and inspiring.

So all I’m doing here is listening and observing.

And although I normally react immediately to experiences, this time I’m confused, so I’m being quieter and I’m finding that I need more time to process what’s going on.

I’ve become an involuntary observer in this group – listening to others with awe and although I’m trying not to think about it because I don’t want to let the group down, I can’t help but feel disconnected.  Because to feel connected I need to share emotions and experiences – disclosure, pain or joy – or anything in between.  And if my experience is shallow, is that still authentic?

What’s it like to be part of a group where you feel disconnected, or different?  How does it affect your experience?  And do we need to do things or talk lots in a group to contribute?

How much does this happen in our society and what are the effects of this disconnect?

If we don’t all agree, can we still have a shared vision?

Have you ever been lost for words?  I find it’s usually because I’ve had a shock or surprise or some sort of dramatic experience.

Not this time.

Having just finished my second ‘solo’ experience I’m finding it difficult to find the words to describe it - because it wasn’t extreme.

I know folk are going to ask me when I get back ‘So how was it?’ or ‘Was it amazing?’  And I don’t want to disappoint them, but I don’t feel I can give them the answers they want.

It wasn’t amazing

or terrible

or relaxing

or insightful

or shocking

or profound, or hilarious or terrifying or frustrating.

And I found myself getting anxious about how I was going to write about an experience that wasn’t any of these things, but somewhere in the middle of two extremes.  Somewhere that didn’t have the words to express the more g e n t l e things we experience in life. 

I don’t have the words because they don’t exist in my day to day vocabulary. 

The words I have for in between extremes are:

• Fine
• OK
• Alright, or worst of all…………
• BO-RING (my personal biggest fear)

Because we live in extremes and we’re educated to think in and react to extremes.  And boring is the worst of all, because everything should be exciting.

When we were asked to blog on Saturday night I couldn’t do it, because I was searching for an angle or hook, something interesting enough to write about.  So I didn’t write.  I went to bed, feeling empty and inadequate.

Having had a deep sleep I opened the curtains in the morning to discover a blanket of whiteness covering everything in sight.  While I had been worrying about trying to create extremes, nature had done it without even trying.

My solo experience in Glen Tilt was very different from Knoydart because I had lowered my expectations about what I needed.  I was just grateful for the shelter I was looking for in that harsh environment, but it had offered me much more in return.

Last thoughts before weekend number 2:

Finally woke up to autumn with a spring in my step today.  Realised that I have been completely absorbed in work recently and after a big event yesterday is now over, is it that the autumn colours are brighter, or am I just able to notice them more?  Are we only able to notice nature if our other needs are being met?

Confession:  Went to Starbucks today having succumbed to their clever advertising and the temptations of dark cherry mochas (a ’special treat’ after big day yesterday). Cost me £2.70 (WHAT?) and I had to take away as I was late for work.  What could they do to be less wasteful?  And what could I do?  There’s a coffee shop in broughton street that charges 30p for take aways - how much do people need to be charged for take aways to make them sacrifice 2 minutes of their busy lives to enjoy their coffee indoors? 

I’m in the middle of reading a brilliant book called ‘Nudge’ - about “how to steer people toward better health, sounder investments and cleaner environments without depriving them of their inalienable right to make a mess of things if they want to.” (thanks for the nudge Joyce) And it’s made me think - how much do we need governments and other powerful organisations to intervene and ‘nudge’ us towards behaviours we know are better for everyone, but that we are incapable of choosing ourselves?  What issues are we responsible for and what issues do we need governments and the likes to influence us on?

Visited Barnardos last weekend and had some great finds:  amazing african print frilly blouse for £4 (not to everyone’s taste, but with the right outfit) and cosy but cool bodywarmer for £6.  How much more creative can we be with less money? How much more individual can we be with less direction? If fashion is just repeating itself then basically we already have all we need - we just need to use our creativity to pick the things which express our individual personality. Think Carrie Bradshaw in the early SATC days - much edgier and individual.  Less couture and following the herd.  No contest.

So who is responsible for what?

I think we are responsible for nudging ourselves towards reducing, reusing, using our creativity and expressing our individuality.

AND we are responsible for nudging those leaders in positions of power to make the changes neccessary to create the healthy sustainable urban spaces we need to experience the seasons as they happen - without travelling far in to the countryside.  Cities scattered with greenspaces and an infrastructure to support these cleaner, healthier behaviours.  Do we need to show leadership to be led?